Walking away from the painful meeting with his brother, Cain seeks out the comfort of the fields and the wind on his skin. The wind has always been a comfort for him, even when he was little. It makes his skin cool, and his blood warm, like being under a thick blanket on a frosty morning.
For instance, Abel is the first born, and so he’ll inherit everything from Dad! I’ll get nothing! That just isn’t fair! Or, how about that girl from the other village that Dad keeps going on about like they are already joined or something? Do you see him rushing out there to find a woman for me? NO! Because Abel is older, Abel is kinder; Abel is the beloved one of everyone, especially ‘Being’.
What scared Cain the most wasn’t his thoughts about Abel, or the heat rising in him that always came when he became impassioned about something, but this nagging voice inside him that kept a close eye on all of his thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t the watching, it was the judging. Cain could feel inside him when he had a thought that was good, and when he had a thought that was bad. He feared the bad thoughts more than anything because it proved he was unworthy of the love of ‘Being’, he knew those thoughts were part of why ‘Being’ had forsaken him.
Now among the vegetables Cain needed something to do with his fear, and just then he noticed a plump rabbit nibbling away at his cabbages.
My cabbages! I don’t care that Dad says we should let the animals eat what they like; he isn’t the one who planted these plants! These are mine and it’s my duty to protect them!
And so in fear, Cain picked up a rock, and flung it at the rabbit, striking it, and filled with pride as it flumped over from the blow.
Stumping over, Cain gloats, “So! I bet you’ll think twice before eating one of MY cabbag…”
It was at that moment that Cain realized what he had done… He had killed the rabbit.
The stone must have hit it in the head! I wasn’t aiming for the head, I was just so mad that life always goes against me, and this is proof!
That voice inside Cain told him that what he had done, accident or no, was wrong. It was an act of anger, unbridled passion, and he had intended to do harm. The problem was, he didn’t feel like it was bad.
His body felt alive for the first time in a long time. Everything tingled, he was so aware of every sound. The birds singing, the wind rustling the leaves of his beloved vegetable plants.
This must be what it is like for the wolf when it kills a sheep. Why does my body feel this way? I did something wrong, but I feel good about it? Is there something wrong with me? What would the others say if they found out? Psh, like that matters, no matter what I did it would be wrong to them. I bet if Abel has killed a rabbit they would praise him for his deed, and dad would probably throw him a party or something.
No, what am I talking about? What I did was wrong.
But what I am feeling is good, gah! This is so confusing!
I have no one to talk to, they will only judge me. ‘Being’ doesn’t talk to me; mom and dad just praise Abel all the time. I need to do something about this energy I have… I wonder if there are more rabbits around here?
And so it was that Cain discovered that our natures possess passion for more than simply good, but also evil. It is the beauty and curse of humanity to possess the potential for both light and dark. Without this potential, nothing that we chose or acted would be truly free, only guided by our natures. It is this same potential that traps the mind in endless loops of depressing thoughts, or rains negative criticism from inside our own minds down upon us, because pain can release pleasure in us.
It is also the beauty of humanity and our nature, that it is not good for us to be alone. It is possible to overcome these thoughts, it is possible to see the light on the other side of the fence, but it is very difficult without support, without a community of people to lend you strength and counter your fears with joy. If you have thoughts like this, first know that nothing is wrong with you, that others have gone through similar situations. Also know, however, that you cannot do this alone no matter what your fears tell you. Tell someone you love, or call 1-888-771-5166 and find a community of support near you.
Never forget, you are loved, and you are not alone.